as insomnia creeps over me, it starts first with my sense of hope.
as i ponder what it is that i am hoping for,
i begin to feel anxious at the ideas that i am not
giving
myself
hope.
not even the hope that i may be hoping for.
my heart trembles.

i am but a commoner in a land of royalty, i worry.

i have built the largest strongest walls that no one, not even my own love can climb.
i worry.

my technicolor dreams proceed the muted reality that surrounds me.
i.worry.

and my entire body aches in fear.

i can skip around.
i can skip town.
i can rage rage into the dying of the night.
...but will i find peace?

i know no rest at times like these.
times my heart is lost in hoplessness and my body is crippled in fear.

oh, the drama.
the drama of wishes.
the drama of missing

you.

Guard Bunny

The animals in my house have very interesting interactions and routines. The cat enjoys lounging on the chair above where the rabbit rests and watches her intently for hours. The dog is also very concerned about the rabbit and paces the hallway peeking in frequently. Neither the cat or the dog are concerned with each other. The rabbit finds their brown-nosing rather annoying and eventually chases them out of the room(sometimes even down the hallway!!) Often, all THREE of them like to be in bed with me, I also find this invasion of space irritating.

You know what they say~Like bunny, like Rabbit.

Family photo to come.

GOD SAVE THE SACRED LOST!

I’ve had so many random thoughts the last few weeks, I’ve decided to start a blog.

I haven’t decided if I will make it public yet, but I have never really cared who reads my nonsensical blabbering so why would I start now.

…get to know me. I’m human.

The decision to start a blog actually began with me doodling and jotting down random thoughts and quotes while I sat in my writing class. (Of course all of which were completely irrelevant to the discussion in the class.) I began thinking about how I have always been a doodler. It sometimes frustrates teachers because they think I am not paying attention, but the fact is that it actually helps me focus somehow. Maybe it’s concentrating on a thoughtless activity that keeps my mind from wandering. Either way, I often find myself drawing very elaborate and sometimes more creative designs than I do when I’m drawing intentionally.

So, I thought, why don’t I carry a sketchbook to class. And keep my designs organized instead of sprawled out amongst all of my school papers…(?)

In high school, I used to write the best letters to pass to my friends. All the gossip, making plans, ranting and raving… all in the most vibrant colors and decorated wonderfully.

…another lost form of art.

I miss written letters. I miss sketchbooks. When and how did I lose these parts of myself?

These days people write blogs more often than keeping journals. The write e-mails instead of letters. E-cards instead of postcards. And there are probably increasingly more graphic designers than paint and pencil artists.

So, I’m getting a sketchbook… why is it that I’m writing a blog?

Maybe it’s the idea that sending my thoughts into the world wide web can give me a sense of comfort.

Someone out there could be reading my thoughts. Therefore, they’re thinking them too. And some of them may just understand and, god forbid, relate.

And anyway, I just have too much to say about a lot of things, so it’s best to keep myself more organized. A blog may be better than 5 random journals, stacks of post-it notes and bits of paper torn out of notebooks.

I’m selling my sacred thoughts out.

And maybe if I were more technologically inclined, I’d sell out my aesthetic soul too and do graphic designs instead of drawing them by hand.

PART ON3:: The beginning.

I think I was a farm wife in my past life.

And a gypsy in the life before that.

My heart longs for simpler times of partnership in survival, mysticism, hunting, gathering, wandering, and wondering… so many unknowns. There’s so much sacred lost in technology. We have so much instant gratification that we forget to appreciate the organic things in life and the sense of sustainability.

Growing our own food, digging it out of the ground, hunting for it, cutting into and preparing it...

Loving the act of taking care of ourselves and the ones we love...

Being surrounded by earth and air so wide and vast we don't doubt we're also surround by spirits of all kinds...

And that being enough.

All I'm working for is to find my way back... and to repent this conditioning of convenience and the exposure of infinite knowledge.

I want to wonder.

I want to live.